So there’s approximately 54 minutes until the day turns over and I am officially 21…
A lot has happened in my life the past few months - emotionally, physically, mentally. And there has been a lot of crazy twisted roads throughout the journey but I’ve learnt a little appreciation along the way ,by taking back what’s mine…and that is control. By control I mean the balance.
On Wednesday – my first day of attacking and attending men’s and women’s wear after surgery was so hectic. I was told the deadlines were all dropped and moved a week forward – Meaning realistically I would only have one week to do everything. It all comes down to one week.
People talking at me.
I feel as though this balance that I’ve gained back after two weeks of recovery and boredom might fade away and as much as I try to hold onto it, as the hours go on and grow into days i can feel it once again slowly slipping away.
My minds a crazy slur of thoughts and emotions.
To be honest, my brain hasn’t shut off for days. I don’t know what is worse - Not being able to sleep because of the pains from surgery or staying awake because your brain is one hell of a chatter jungle. Ever watched the movie “Knowing” starring Nicholas Cage – That’s what its like !?
So many thoughts at once, so many questions, predictions, curiosities, repetition, repetition, repetition.
One hour solid sleep.
Eyes wide open again.
It starts again.
Mumbling loudly now.
I haven’t bounced back fully, I still cannot sit, kneel, crouch down or lay on my back and am therefore uncomfortable and that holds me back from completing tasks that would usually take a few minutes.
Veneer – calm
It’s a bit like when you do something that you get used to – something with a time limit – but each time its a different situation, a different type of challenge. And by the last few you know that somehow you will be okay because no matter what by that stage its in your blood, your immune to that shit. The drive, that kick, the adrenaline rush.
It will be over.
It will be over
And you tell yourself so many times over and over again that its enough for you to believe.
And by the time you conquer all that you’ll open your eyes and see you did it.
And having said all that, I’d only like to wish for once thing – and its nothing personal brain – but for one night please grant me a peaceful sleep.
Just one night.
11.59 pm – the birthday text messages and phone calls start. Maybe not tonight – but It’s an acceptation I am willing to make.
xxxx Much love, Yours Truly