I used to be a big believer in “How you spend your New Years is how you will spend the rest of the year”. I used to link everything to it, every negative event, any sign of bad luck and all of a sudden it would be the fault of that superstition combined with about a dozen others.This year, however, I’ve decided to try and leave all the paranoia,anxiety, and superstition behind.
Sometimes we go through really crazy stages in life, where we are so obsessed with perfection and the paranoia of not having enough control, we funnily, forget what life is really about. We lose control without noticing we are a c t u a l l y l o s i n g c o n t r o l. I think for me, the first time I realised this was when I was about 13/14. You start high school, your fellow snotty school mates mature and become monsters and bullies and all of a sudden you are the target, the aim of the game is to bring you down. Without saying too much I never really liked high school, I never understood what happened to the innocence in some, How one day it was there and come the first day of high school, it was gone – vanished, into the air. I was bullied so much that I didn’t like being encouraged, I didn’t like being complimented, I didn’t like getting attention in class for being smart, I didn’t like people knowing I was smart, I just didn’t know what I really wanted because they wanted to make everything positive, negative. That’s what they’d do, they’d prey. Then you have the people who absolutely adore you, who think you’re funny, amazing, a great friend – and by this stage you’re so confused – stuck between trying to make sense of the people who hate you and those who actually accept you – you start to doubt yourself and everything else in your life, you become paranoid, have major trust issues, and all these crazy symptoms surface. Before you know it, You’ve evolved into something you didn’t even know existed at that age. You’re the epitome of anxiety and paranoia. They made you, they control you and all the silly thoughts in your head. What will I wear? why did they say that ? What did they mean ? Are they looking at me ? Do I look okay ? My left eyebrow is out 2 millimetres to my right, do you think anyone notices ?! Why do they keep looking at me? Who will be there ? What did they say ? What will I wear ? I can’t wear that, what will they think ? Are they talking about me ? Is my hair funny ? Am I walking too slow ? Are people watching me ? Can people see me ? Can they hear me ? Did I just ask too many questions ? Am I talking too fast? Who’s reading my blog !? What did they say ? – Seriously WHO HASN’T THOUGHT ANY OF THOSE…Sometimes when you can’t fall asleep and your mind doesn’t SHUT OFF and LEAVE YOU ALONE…because you keep repeating stupid scenarios in your head or you are thinking one of those things – Don’t lie ! Sometimes when you want to leave the house, or are going somewhere….You think some of those things ! That’s you, girlfriend – that’s you right there…!
BUT HEY ! THAT’S OKAY !
Its a process – A part of growing up and finding yourself. Being confident, understanding that sometimes things go wrong and other times they go so smoothly,perfectly, so perfectly that you think, “COOL was that a dream?” The universe isn’t out to get to, It all depends on how you look at it and whether you have let your mind think you are weak or strong. Strength in the mind is a dangerous thing to have because you can conquer it all. Over the years I’ve learnt to become more independent, I’ve crazily tried to push myself – I’m always pushing myself, I’m so determined, so passionate, sometimes too passionate – I’m motivated, I have drive – Now isn’t it a shame that sometimes I get dragged down by peoples thoughts and opinions. Is it fair to treat someone like that ? It isn’t ! So if you’re reading this and you’re thinking I was the bad guy – pay it forward. Do something good for someone else, in hope that they will remember you and pass on that good. Don’t just do it because you want it to come back to you – immediately you will see how it will change your life. Think about the things you say, and how they will affect the other person.
After being bullied – I tried to understand why ? Maybe it was the thrill or something ? So I tried it myself. I tried to bully someone – I couldn’t do it… I tried to say the same words they said to me to someone else – I was thinking maybe I could gain some sort of confidence – Cheap shot it was. What did I learn from that ? Well, nothing I didn’t already know. It’s hard growing up when everything is run by judgement. That’s something I’m trying to work on this year. To be less judgemental, to seek more clarity when times get rough, to try to maintain a positive mind and to keep it strong.
You’re probably thinking how the heck is this related to LA or New Years and all that – Well CALM DOWN “HOLD YOUR HORSES” I’m getting to that.
See, I spent New Years at the most happiest place in the world…. Can you think of where that would be ?
The atmosphere, the happy workers, the families and children, the shows, sparks of energy, loud groups of laughter and joy, fireworks, cute childish rides, fake snow – It was how I spent the last day of 2013.
I was thinking WOW I’m here in LA, halfway across the world with my partner and my friends for a special occasion – I’m here with family I haven’t seen in so long – That I will miss so much. How lucky am I to be able to experience this, How lucky that I didn’t let all the people who brought out the worse in me get the best of me. I thought From this point onwards – I want to be less like the paranoid, anxious girl I have been, always thinking of what others are thinking, always playing along with the games in my mind – I want to be more confident, positive, alive. I want to look back and see I enjoyed it – I don’t want to remember sad, negative moments. AND I actually want to try and stay true to that.
The moment we walked into the gates and I saw this – I knew I could do it.
That’s my NYR ( New year Resolution). What’s yours ?
Well… Scroll away and enjoy yourselves – Part 3 of 3 of the LA Diaries !
It’s tradition that I visit Esmeralda ! hahaha
and that was the magical world of Disneyland !
Love my cuz ! ❤
Universal Studios – Another one of my favourite places !
Mel’s 50’s Diner !
Another Fake Paris ! I’ll be with you someday soon ❤
Our final wedding before we head back home !!
Well that was it guys !
If you get to the end of this post I just have a few things to say to you :
Thankyou for being in my life, stalking me, subscribing to me, actually sitting through and reading this.
Thankyou for making me stronger.
Always Remember that Positivity doesn’t have a door – It is just a frame, Think of it as a long hallway – It’s negativity that has a door – the door you have a key to. Lock it for good and try to keep it that way.
And finally, If you truly did get to the end of this and you felt inspired leave me a comment and tell me what you thought.
xoxo I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend !
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Much love, Yours Truly